no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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