sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
