So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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