my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
