when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
