What a fucking waste of an outfit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
