I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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