remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
