Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
