I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This is the high leading the old right now
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
