So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
