My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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