Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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