Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
These tits shall not be calmed
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
