I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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