I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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