I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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