We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
