I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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