I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
