mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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