Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
