Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
