I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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