Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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