i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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