Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
