he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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