Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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