things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
