I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize