All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Four minutes until I can fart!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
