This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
