Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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