There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
