I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
