Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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