After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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