even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
