OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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