I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
