I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
