How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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