I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
