mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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