My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize