I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
