You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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