Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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