Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
