can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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