I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm experimenting with sincerity
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
