I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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