this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
