Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Let's paint friendship bongs
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize