i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
