my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
