I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
